"I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned. Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned."
-Edna St.Vincent Millay
This poem touches me deeply, as it speaks for me by so accurately conveying my emotions when a loved one passes. In this case, it expressed my feelings about the death of my paternal Grandmother on Sept. 22, 2009 at the age of 93, who thankfully lived long enough to spend several years as Great-Grandmother to my boys as well.
My Grandmother lived a full, and quite fascinating life. Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I was unaware of the surprising unusual life and experiences she had, only seeing her as my kind and gentle white-haired Grandmother who moved rather slowly due to horrendous arthritis in her knees. It wasn't until I reached young adulthood that stories of her accomplishments, and even escapades reached my ears. And what a surprise (and delight) that was! It can sometimes be so easy to forget that our elderly relatives that you've loved have in fact lived a very full life before you even entered the picture! So, GATHER THOSE STORIES! Because they often will surprise and amuse you, make you laugh, and give you a much deeper understanding of the person who you often just thought of as merely your sweet and oftentimes sedentary relative. You will find that the knowledge of what had happened throughout their lifetime will not only be amazingly interesting, but also a source of comfort when your loved one passes away. Such was the case with my Grandmother. To me, as a child, she was always quiet, a great cook, and a woman of wonderful hugs and endless compassion. She always sat in "her" chair, and I never really stopped to consider her doing anything but. And I NEVER even considered that she had lived anywhere but Chicago. And then, going through my selfish teenage years, I never really considered how it felt for her as she watched each and every one of her friends pass away, and then her three brothers, and my Grandfather. She had become the last of her family and friends - her generation - to remain. She also took care of my Aunt - her only daughter - during her unsuccessful fight against breast cancer, and so ended up outliving one of her two children as well. She endured the worse thing a parent can live through - burying a child - yet she mourned privately, keeping her pain to herself. It was much to my surprise when I found out that my Grandmother was in fact born in Pennsylvania, the youngest daughter in a family that had 3 boys! And a father who worked, and died, in the coal mines when she was only 5. This forced my Great-Grandmother to pull her family in close, and to make them a true unit, in order to survive back in those days.
The young family then had to move on to Ohio, as they needed to live where there was work. It was there that my Grandmother's mother met a man who quickly swept her off her feet, and they were happy. But it soon became obvious that this man was simply looking forward to having a "housekeeper" of sorts, and the love between them fizzled. After ending that marriage, the family then moved to Chicago, as always following work. It was during this time that my Grandma met a very close, and adventurous High School friend, and they hatched a scheme to run away. Now, remember, this was the 1920s, and two middle class girls packing their best in suitcases and leaving their homes was front page news - literally! After spending one night in a hotel, and finding their faces plastered on the pages of the local newspaper, the young"rebels" chose to return to their not-so-shabby homes. In Chicago, my Grandmother's mother worked at a restaurant near DePaul, where she met the love of her life - a man only known to them as 'BIG SHOT" - he was a man who managed professional boxers and was totally enamored with my Great-Grandma and her childrem. At first, my Grandmother was resistant to the marriage, but she eventually grew to love him deeply. As my Grandma and her brothers became adults, her mother and Big Shot moved on to a ranch in Texas. My Grandma began nursing school, and was assigned to tutor a drafting student named Russell who was "struggling" in math. In fact, he wasn't struggling at all, using the time to get to know her, and then fell in love with her. Before she was able to receive her degree, they married, and she had my father, Terry, to be followed two years later by Peggy. During this time, my Grandfather ran a business out of their home. My Grandmother functioned as housewife, mother, office manager, customer service rep, and manager of foreign accounts. All employees worked out of their home, and every single day they received a delicious home-cooked lunch from her. Once, while feeling unappreciated in her many roles, she left, going back again to a hotel. My Grandfather could not be away from her for even one night, and came and charmed her back. Eventually my Grandmother's mother was widowed, and she came to live in the basement apartment of their home. My Grandmother was so very close to her, and when she passed, it was a terrible blow. At one point in time her brother lived there as well, and my Grandmother was his caretaker also. My father eventually married, but his sister, Peggy never did. She also lived in the basement apartment in Chicago for many years. She did eventually move out, and adopted a young girl. Unfortunately after that, she was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, so my Grandmother left her home in Chicago to take care of her daughter Peggy, and to raise Peggy's adopted daughter as well. These were very trying times for her - as she had found herself spending her "golden years" caring for her dying daughter, while doing her absolute best to raise Peggy's adopted daughter at the same time. Yet, she never complained. In going over her full and unique life, I realized that there was SO much more to her than just being "Grandma". She played a mean game of scrabble, and could kick anyone's butt at ping pong. And these many facets needed to be celebrated in her honor as part of her funeral service. And so I lovingly put together a memory book about her, showcasing some of the most important pictures of her. And in doing so, I was able to even laugh at times, though I was also mourning her passage - thinking of a full life well lived.
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